Magic Mike: What not to watch this Valentine’s Day

Magic Mike

If you asked people who know me to describe me in just one word, I am pretty sure the majority of the adjectives would not be flattering. One word that I doubt would come up is ‘jealous’ and this is because, for better or for worse, I am a very self-assured guy. This misplaced bravado pretty much took a running jump once I watched the film Magic Mike.

For background, Mrs Bear had seen Magic Mike way before I did and, if I remember rightly, she saw it with her best friend. When I suggested we watch it together on Netflix, she just grinned at me and said: “Are you sure?”

That should have set alarm bells.

Magic Mike basically tells a circle of life story in the context of the male stripping scene. A young lad who works in construction is taken under the wing by his boss who moonlights as a stripper. That boss also happens to be Channing Tatum – and he tormented me for the duration of the film.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so uncomfortable watching a film. In fact, I was watching my Mrs more than I was watching Magic Mike and she knew it too. I’ve never seen her try so hard to suppress her laughter and appear neutral in my life.

But there was a point in the film when she gave up the ghost and I still remember the exact moment – it was when Tatum was stripping to Genuwine’s Pony. The woman looked like a malnourished African kid who was suddenly given a four course meal at a Raymond Blanc restaurant. My baby mama would have cheated on me in front of my eyes if Tatum was in our living room at that moment.

So I started to look at myself more closely – I am probably an inch too short, airing on the wrong side of the cuddly to podgy spectrum and I dance about as well as Will Smith does (think about it, Will Smith is an absolutely terrible dancer). And I didn’t relay any of this to my lady because she’d do the right thing and lie to my face.

Back to the film – hand on heart, there is a really good film somewhere here and I’m pretty sure that I’d have more positive things to say if I didn’t watch it with my other half. Taking away my animosity, Tatum is very good as Magic Mike but that is because he is drawing from experience (the Mrs says he used to be a stripper, she did some fucking research for crying out loud). The real surprise of the film is Matthew McConaughey – this bloke is slowly dragging his career back from the brink and it is inspiring to witness the revival.

 

I want end by saying this – I bought a gym membership….

 

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